Randy's Corner Deli Library

04 September 2008

Is John McCain Suffering from the Onset of Alzheimer's Disease?

I. Introduction

Is John McCain suffering from the onset of Alzheimer's Disease? A Milwaukee-area physician who is familiar with the outward signs of the onset of Alzheimer's disease who has been observing John McCain of late says that he is. I ask the question not out of a mean-spirit. I had to watch my own grandmother suffer from the effects of and die from this horrible disease. The fact remains that Mr. McCain, while having beaten cancer so far, has made so many obvious and horribly bad errors concerning foreign affairs that one has to wonder if they are done out of ignorance, which I seriously doubt, or rather, as John Kerry said on "Meet the Press" last week, he is acting erratically (with specific reference to the nomination of Sarah Palin as the person who will be a breath away from the highest office in the land), one of the signs of the onset of Alzheimer's disease. The unsolicited comment by the physician caused me to give credence to the comment by Mr. Kerry, which was, to my way of thinking, mainly political posturing per the Sunday Morning News Program political ritual. In this article, I attempt to define what Alzheimer's Disease is, then go on to illustrate Mr. McCain's accomplishments and experiences in his life that show us just how smart he really must be, and then catalog the errors he has made over the course of the current election campaign. The sad conclusion is that Mr. McCain is too smart to have made the errors he has without some contribution of an organic brain problem that he has yet to disclose to the public.

II. Alzheimer's Disease

Wikipedia contains the following description of Alzheimer's Disease: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alzheimer%27s_Disease

Characteristics

The disease course is divided into four stages, with a progressive pattern of cognitive and functional impairment.

Predementia

The first symptoms are often mistaken as related to ageing or stress.[4] Detailed neuropsychological testing can reveal mild cognitive difficulties up to eight years before a person fulfills the clinical criteria for diagnosis of AD.[19] These early symptoms can have an effect on the most complex daily living activities.[20] The most noticeable deficit is memory loss, which shows as a difficulty to remember recently learned facts and an inability to acquire new information.[21][22] Subtle problems with the executive functions of attentiveness, planning, flexibility, and abstract thinking or with impairments in semantic memory (memory of meanings, and concept relationships) can also be symptomatic of the early stages of AD.[23][24] Apathy can be observed at this stage, and remains the most persistent neuropsychiatric symptom throughout the course of the disease.[25][26][27] The preclinical stage of the disease has also been termed mild cognitive impairment,[28] but there is still debate on whether this term corresponds to a different diagnostic entity by itself or just a first step of the disease.[29]

Early dementia

In people with AD, the increasing impairment of learning and memory will lead to a definitive diagnosis. In a small proportion of them, difficulties with language, executive functions, recognition of perceptions (agnosia) or execution of movements (apraxia) will be more prominent than memory problems.[30] AD does not affect all memory capacities equally. Older memories of the person's life (episodic memory), facts learned (semantic memory), and implicit memory (the memory of the body on how to do things, such as using a fork to eat) are affected to a much lesser degree than the capacities needed to learn new facts or make new memories.[31][32] Language problems are mainly characterised by a shrinking vocabulary and decreased word fluency, which lead to a general impoverishment of oral and written language. The person with Alzheimer is usually capable of adequately communicating basic ideas.[33][34][35] While performing fine motor tasks such as writing, drawing or dressing, certain movement coordination and planification difficulties (apraxia) may be present, which may appear as clumsiness.[36] As the disease progresses, they can still perform tasks independently, but may need assistance or supervision with the most cognitively demanding activities.[30]

Moderate dementia

People with AD can usually care for themselves during the early stages of the disease, but progressive deterioration hinders independence.[30] Speech difficulties become evident due to an inability to recall vocabulary which leads to frequent incorrect word substitutions (paraphasias). Reading and writing skills are also progressively lost.[33][37] Complex motor sequences become less coordinated as time passes, reducing the ability to perform most normal daily living activities.[38] During this phase, memory problems worsen, and the person may not recognise close relatives.[39] Long-term memory, which was previously left intact, becomes impaired.[40] At this stage, behaviour changes are more prevalent. Common neuropsychiatric manifestations are wandering, sundowning,[41] irritability and labile affect, leading to crying, outbursts of unpremeditated aggression or resistance to caregiving. Approximately 30% of the patients also develop illusionary misidentifications and other delusional symptoms.[42][25] Urinary incontinence can develop.[43] These symptoms create stress for relatives and caretakers, which can be reduced by moving the person from home care to other long-term care facilities.[30][44]

Advanced dementia

During this last stage of AD, the patient is completely dependent upon caregivers. Language is reduced to simple phrases or even single words, eventually leading to complete loss of speech.[33] Despite the loss of verbal language abilities, they can receive and return emotional signals.[45] Although aggressiveness can still be present, extreme apathy and exhaustion are much more common results.[30] Patients will ultimately not be able to perform even the most simple tasks without assistance. Muscle mass and mobility will deteriorate to the point where they are bedridden,[46] and they will also lose the ability to feed themselves.[47] Death occurs from some external factor such as pressure ulcers or pneumonia, and not from the disease itself.[48][49]

I want to see just how many very clearly obvious mistakes Mr. McCain has made over the course of the present Presidential campaign. The decision of Mr. McCain to make Sarah Palin his Vice Presidential choice was called "erratic" by John Kerry on Sunday.

III. John McCain's Background

Let us first understand Mr. McCain's background and the knowledge that he had to have to achieve the political/governmental status he has. Mr. McCain comes from a family that has deep and strong roots in the US Military. His father and paternal grandfather were four-star Navy Admirals. Together with his older sister and brother, they followed their father around the US and the Pacific as he was transferred from base to base. After high school, Mr. McCain entered the Naval Academy at Annapolis, starring in wrestling and becoming a lightweight boxer. He graduated 894th out of 899, though apparently he didn't try terribly hard at subjects he disliked and did not get good grades in those subjects. He did well at subjects he enjoyed like literature and history. Not so well at mathematics.

He graduated from Annapolis in 1958 and was posted to Pensacola with the rank of ensign. He completed flight training in 1960. He was assigned to the USS Intrepid and the USS Enterprise, flying A-1 Skyraider ground-attack fighters. He crashed twice and got caught in power lines but walked away from all the mishaps. In 1965, he got married for the first time and adopted his new wife Carol's sons. Thereafter, he requested and received combat assignment to the USS Forrestal, flying A-4 Skyhawks. Actual combat came in 1967, when he was 30 years old and the Forrestal was assigned to bombing raids on North Vietnam. He barely escaped with his life when a rocket under the wing of an F-4 phantom accidentally fired while still on the ship, causing a huge explosion and fire in which 134 sailors were killed.

McCain flew his 23rd and final mission on October 23, 1967 when his plane was shot down over Hanoi and he began five years of imprisonment by the North Vietnamese, who refused to treat his very serious injuries (two broken arms, a broken leg and more, including a bashed shoulder and stab wounds received from angry North Vietnamese who pulled him out of Truc Bach Lake ) until they discovered that he was the son of a four-star Admiral, after which the North Vietnamese tried to cultivate world opinion by broadcasting the fact that they were treating Mr. McCain's wounds. Subsequently, he was put into solitary confinement for two years, beginning in March, 1968. He was tortured mercilessly by the North Vietnamese and was coerced into giving a "confession" of "war crimes". He was released on March 14, 1973.

After returning to the United States, he was reunited with his wife and rehabilitated, though he began a series of extramarital affairs which he disclosed to his wife. Beginning in 1977, he became the Navy's liason to the Senate, his entree into the Washington establishment. In 1979, he met Cindy Hensley, whose father had a very successful beer distributorship in Phoenix. In 1980, Mr. and Mrs. McCain (who had suffered horribly debilitating injuries as the result of an automobile accident while John was a POW) agreed to a divorce.

He and Cindy married on May 17, 1980. John and Cindy McCain entered into a prenuptial agreement that kept most of her family's assets under her name; they would always keep their finances apart and file separate income tax returns.

This might explain the reason why he was unable to answer the question concerning the number of homes he "owns" - undoubtedly many of them are in his wife's name and the question of "ownership" for someone in their tax bracket is a more complicated question that those who own but a single home without having paid much attention to tax ramifications of ownership.

McCain being pulled from Truc Bach Lake in Hanoi and becoming a POW on October 26, 1967
McCain being pulled from Truc Bach Lake in Hanoi and becoming aPOW[33] on October 26, 1967














Mr. McCain retired from the Navy as a Captain in 1981, as he realized he would never make full admiral because of failed physical examinations and had been given no major sea command. The prospect of becoming a rear admiral did not excite him and he made the decision to run for Congress in the first district of Arizona. His 17 military awards and decorations include the Silver Star, Legion of Merit, Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star and Navy Commendation Medal, for actions before, during, and after his time as a POW.

As Vice President of Public Relations at his father-in-law's beer distributorship, he gained political support among the local business community in Phoenix, meeting powerful figures such as banker Charles Keating, Jr., real estate developer Fife Symington III and newspaper publisher Darrow "Duke" Tully, all of whom supported his budding political career. He began his Senate career in 1987, replacing Barry Goldwater after beating his Democratic opponent by 20 points in the general election.

He was enmeshed in the Keating Five scandal by having accepted $112, 000 in campaign contributions and travel on Keating's private jets at the same time he was meeting with Federal regulators about their investigation of Keating's Lincoln Savings and Loan. He was "mildly rebuked" by the Senate for the appearance of impropriety, confessing that he exercised "bad judgment" in connection with the Lincoln Savings and Loan matter.

Since January 1993, McCain has been Chairman of the International Republican Institute, an organization partly funded by the U.S. Government that supports the emergence of political democracy worldwide. In 1997, he was voted one of the top 25 most influential people in America by Time Magazine. In 1999, McCain shared the Profile in Courage Award with Russ Feingold (D-WI) for their work in trying to enact their campaign finance reform, although the bill was still failing repeated attempts to gain cloture.

Likewise in 1999, McCain published his memoirs, written with the help of a co-author entitled "Faith of My Fathers", which received mainly good reviews and was made into a movie. According to one reviewer, the book describes "the kind of challenges that most of us can barely imagine. It's a fascinating history of a remarkable military family." 115 Another reviewer observed that, "The appearance of John McCain's 'Faith of My Fathers' seems to have been timed to the unfolding Presidential campaign...." 116 Indeed, McCain did run for the Presidency in 2000.

The Arizona Republic would write that the McCain-Bush primary contest in South Carolina "has entered national political lore as a low-water mark in presidential campaigns", while The New York Times called it "a painful symbol of the brutality of American politics". A variety of interest groups that McCain had challenged in the past ran negative ads.Bush borrowed McCain's earlier language of reform, and declined to dissociate himself from a veterans activist who accused McCain (in Bush's presence) of having "abandoned the veterans" on POW/MIA and Agent Orange issues.

Incensed, McCain ran ads accusing Bush of lying and comparing the governor to Bill Clinton, which Bush said was "about as low a blow as you can give in a Republican primary". An anonymous smear campaign began against McCain, delivered by push polls, faxes, e-mails, flyers, and audience plants. The smears claimed that McCain had fathered a black child out of wedlock (the McCains' dark-skinned daughter was adopted from Bangladesh), that his wife Cindy was a drug addict, that he was a homosexual, and that he was a "Manchurian Candidate" who was either a traitor or mentally unstable from his North Vietnam POW days. The Bush campaign strongly denied any involvement with the attacks.

McCain lost South Carolina on February 19, with 42 percent of the vote to Bush's 53 percent, in part because Bush mobilized the state's evangelical voters and outspent McCain. The win allowed Bush to regain lost momentum. McCain would say of the rumor spreaders, "I believe that there is a special place in hell for people like those." According to one report, the South Carolina experience left McCain in a "very dark place".

McCain's campaign never completely recovered from his South Carolina defeat, although he did rebound partially by winning in Arizona and Michigan a few days later. He made a speech in Virginia Beach that criticized Christian leaders, including Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, as divisive conservatives, famously declaring

"... we embrace the fine members of the religious conservative community. But that does not mean that we will pander to their self-appointed leaders."133

McCain lost the Virginia primary on February 29 and on March 7 lost nine of the thirteen primaries on Super Tuesday to Bush. With little hope of overcoming Bush's delegate lead, McCain withdrew from the race on March 9, 2000. He endorsed Bush two months later, and made occasional appearances with the Texas governor during the general election campaign.

Beginning in 2001, Mr. McCain fought the Bush administration's tax cuts, HMO Reform, climate change and gun legislation. Indeed, he was one of only two Republicans to vote against the Bush tax cuts. 138, 139 By the time the 2004 Presidential campaign rolled around, there was discussion of his possibly joining his friend Sen. John Kerry as his Vice Presidential pick owing to the reputation he had developed as a "maverick" who would not be bound by Republican Party Orthodoxy. The position was never offered, and he has said he would not have accepted it if it had been. 154, 155, 156.

McCain still had hard feelings left over from the 2000 Republican primary campaign yet campaigned with George W. Bush for his 2004 re-election bid, though he did this because he had to, not because he and George Bush were friends. 140

Breaking from his 2001 and 2003 votes, McCain supported the Bush tax cut extension in May 2006, saying not to do so would amount to a tax increase. 139 Working with Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy, McCain was a strong proponent of comprehensive immigration reform, which would involve legalization, guest worker programs, and border enforcement components. The Secure America and Orderly Immigration Act was never voted on in 2005, while the Comprehensive Immigration Reform Act of 2006 passed the Senate in May 2006 but failed in the House.151 In June 2007, President Bush, McCain, and others made the strongest push yet for such a bill, the Comprehensive Immigration Reform Act of 2007, but it aroused intense grassroots opposition among talk radio listeners and others, some of whom furiously characterized the proposal as an "amnesty" program, 164 and the bill twice failed to gain cloture in the Senate.165

Following the publication of "Faith of My Fathers", Mr. McCain subsequently published four more books:


He wrote the following Articles and Forewords:


I have not read any of Mr. McCain's books. I read his Foreign Affairs article. I disagree with many of the positions and statements Mr. McCain makes in the article, but it is well-written and thoughtful. Mr. McCain is, it appears to me, a thoughtful man but is clearly also a political animal who will do what it takes to get elected, regardless of his past positions or perceptions of his positions.

IV. Errors By McCain


On May 30, when he told a public gathering that things were going swimmingly in Iraq: "I can tell you that it (the Surge) is succeeding. I can look you in the eye and tell you it's succeeding. We have drawn down to pre-Surge levels. Basra, Mosul and now Sadr City are quiet."

Well, we can look McCain right in the eye and remind him that, as a matter of fact, we have not drawn down to pre-Surge levels. It's just a matter of comparing the actual numbers. Before President Bush ordered his troop escalation in January 2007, we had 128,569 soldiers in Iraq; today, we have 155,000 soldiers in Iraq. In accordance with how math generally works, the latter number is larger than the former. http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/americandebate/19455269.html

McCain has twice confused the Sunnis and the Shiites. He has insisted that Iran was training al Qaeda operatives, whereas, in reality al Qaeda is a Sunni organization and Iran is run by Shiites. Fortunately, his friend and confidant, Joe Lieberman, was standing within earshot of this booming blunder, softly corrected Mr. McCain in his ear, whereafter Mr. Mr. McCain instantaneously corrected himself. http://tpmcafe.talkingpointsmemo.com/talk/2008/03/and-another-john-mccain-error.php

Just as McCain’s initial assertion about Iran training al Qaeda was false, his claim that he “corrected it immediately” is also false. In fact, McCain made the claim at least three times on two separate occasions. He corrected himself only after the third utterance when Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-CT) whispered in his ear.

While NBC aired only a snippet of O’Donnell’s interview, in the full video, which isposted online, McCain also played the common conservative game of using “intentionally deceptive language” to blur “the differences between groups with different goals and ideologies in order to create the illusion of a united Islamofascist enemy”:

Al Qaeda is military. Al Qaeda is killing Americans as we speak. Islamic extremists are being trained in Iran and they are being sent back into Iran, I mean into Iraq.

Making a false claim and then making it again is the opposite of the correcting it immediately. It’s also the opposite of “straight talk.”

Transcript:

KELLY O’DONNELL: I’d like to ask you about a moment yesterday when you were speaking about the influence of Iran and there was a gaffe, if you’d call it that. When you described Iran aiding al Qaeda, does that suggest that your depth of knowledge on some of the cultural issues may not be as great as some of your military knowledge?

JOHN MCCAIN: Al Qaeda is military. Al Qaeda is killing Americans as we speak. Islamic extremists are being trained in Iran and they are being sent back into Iran, I mean into Iraq. And explosive devices, these copper ones, which we just discovered, uncovered a large cache, are killing American soldiers. We should care about that. We should care about Iranians who are sending these lethal devices, the most lethal devices, into Iraq and killing Americans. That’s what I care about. That’s what the subject is. I just simply misspoke when I said al Qaeda. But they are training extremists and they are sending the most lethal devices that are killing Americans. That’s what we should care about.

O’DONNELL: Do you feel comfortable with understanding the differences between the Shia and Sunni political agendas?

MCCAIN: In all due respect, that was my eighth visit to Iraq. I am constantly briefed. I am constantly engaged in this issue. I’ve been involved in every major national security challenge this nation has faced for the last 20 years.

O’DONNELL: I ask it respectfully because people did notice that you made this comment and wondered, was it simply a slip of the tongue…

MCCAIN: I corrected it immediately. I corrected it, my comment immediately. I don’t claim that I won’t misspeak on occassion, but I will correct it immediately. Ha ha ha, I’m astonished. Frankly, I’m astonished.

O’DONNELL: You don’t think that’s a fair question?

MCCAIN: I think anything is a fair question, but to think that I would have some lack of knowledge about Sunni and Shia after my eigth visit and my deep involvement in this issue is a bit ludicrous.

O’DONNELL: Ok.

http://thinkprogress.org/2008/03/20/mccain-gaffe-nbc/

To my way of thinking, the foregoing mistakes are too severe to overlook, even if it did come in the midst of the bruising Obama/Clinton race for the Democratic nomination. This is either the mistake of a very uninformed person or someone who is unable to mentally hold simple facts in his brain due to some organic malfunction.

Mr. McCain has insisted that Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the most powerful figure in that country, whereas, in reality, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and Iran's national security council are the powers that run the show. (McCain is fine with the idea of repeating the error about Ahmadinejad: "I think of you asked any average American who the leader of Iran is, I think they'd know.") And after a recent clash between Iraqi government troops and Shiite insurgents pledged to Moqtada al-Sadr, McCain erroneously stated that a chastened Sadr had sought a ceasefire, whereas, in reality, the ceasefire was kick-started when the Iraqi government asked its allies in Iran to broke the process; in the end, Sadr's forces were left virtually intact. http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/americandebate/19455269.html

Mr. McCain gave an interview to Conservative talk show host Hugh Hewitt on March 17, 2008 in which he said the following::
" As you know, there are al Qaeda operatives that are taken back into Iran, given training as leaders, and they’re moving back into Iraq. I think Americans should be very angry when we know that Iran is exporting weapons into Iraq that kill Americans."


This again betrays a fundamental mistake as to who is whom in the Middle East. Joe Lieberman was not around at that point to correct him and Mr. Hewitt did not of course correct Mr. McCain's mistake.


In July of this year, Mr. McCain gave an interview to Katie Couric of CBS News in which he attributed the "Anbar Awakening" of the Sunnis in that Iraqi province to his much touted "surge":

Katie Couric: Senator McCain, Senator Obama says, while the increased number of US troops contributed to increased security in Iraq, he also credits the Sunni awakening and the Shiite government going after militias. And says that there might have been improved security even without the surge. What's your response to that?


McCain: I don't know how you respond to something that is as-- such a false depiction of what actually happened. Colonel MacFarland was contacted by one of the major Sunni sheiks. Because of the surge we were able to go out and protect that sheik and others. And it began the Anbar awakening. I mean, that's just a matter of history.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/07/22/mccain-gets-history-of-th_n_114419.html

Sadly for the American pubic, this story ended up on the editing floor at CBS News. But the failure of the media to take Mr. McCain to task for an area in which he prides himself for his knowledge is just inexplicable, other than fear that the conservative base would howl and scream "liberal media bias". This has suppressed legitemate debate over the one area that Mr. McCain claims expertise. The indisputable fact is that the "Anbar Awakening" took place well before the "surge" was even conceived. A mistake like this or any of the others Mr. McCain has made by, say, Mr. Obama would have caused the entire Republican party to howl and moan that Mr. Obama was unqualified to be President or dogcatcher for that matter. No less a standard should be applied to Mr. McCain, whether it is ignorance or, again, an organic brain problem that is causing Mr. McCain to make these sorts of mistakes. They are not the sort of mistakes that an intelligent person with a functioning brain could possibly make.

There are simple geography errors that a reasonably educated high-school student would know, nevermind a United States Senator:
Two days back on Good Morning America he stated that Iraq and Pakistan share a border. That's his third geographical goof. Its predecessors were stating that Iran is training Al Qaeda operatives, thereby exposing his ignorance of the difference between Sunni and Shia, and referring to "Czechoslovakia," which hasn't existed for about 15 years, replaced by two countries. People have treated these lapses as trivial. I think they're significant of a real problem, he's indifferent to/unable to grasp the sort of details that are essential to statecraft. Expect more and more of these blunders, and better yet, expect it to become an issue.

V. Conclusion

These are not the mistakes of an intelligent man who has Mr. McCain's education, life and political experience could make unless something was organically wrong with his brain.

Mr. McCain, it is now widely known, wanted Joe Lieberman to be his Vice-Presidential running mate. Mr. Lieberman is very close personally and professionally with Mr. McCain, though I cannot see Hadassah Lieberman and Cindy McCain hanging out at an ORT Convention. I have to believe that Mr. and Mrs. Lieberman are informed about Mr. McCain's condition. It makes sense that Mr. McCain would want such a close confidant at his side during his tenure; but politics make strange bedfellows, and when it became evident that the core of the Republican party was demanding representation on the ticket lest there be a revolt of massive proportions, Mr. McCain was forced to approach the un-vetted Mrs. Palin about the slot. No matter how much his campaign tells the world that she was inserted to give the campaign a shake-up, the fact is that the sublimation of the entire McCain narrative prior to the selection of Mrs. Palin to Mr. McCain's own penchant for making impetuous and, dare I say, erratic decisions. As to whether this belies some organic brain problem with Mr. McCain, we can only speculate. But the facts are the facts: a person as smart, as educated and as experienced at foreign affairs as Mr. McCain certainly is would not otherwise make the clear factual and conceptual (e.g., Sunni vs. Sh'ia) errors if there were not some deeper underlying cause.

Randy Shiner


Unless otherwise stated, the data herein is obtained from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McCain.


Springtime for Hitler - "The Producers" 1968




With some temporal, costume and minor political and economic changes, we could adapt this to 2008 America. McCain would look great in a basic black and lederhosen, and Sarah Palin would make a great Eva Braun, no? We could give her natural sexy librarian porno-star look a little makeover to reflect her Aryan roots and her evident goal of repopulating America: perhaps some long blond braided locks would do nicely for her. What do you think?

Randy Shiner

Iranian U.S. Expert Praises Obama and Democrats, Describes McCain as 'Absentminded' and Palin as 'Inexperienced'

In TV Interview, Iranian U.S. Expert Praises Obama and Democrats, Describes McCain as 'Absentminded' and Palin as 'Inexperienced'


Following are excerpts from an interview with Iranian political science professor and expert on U.S. affairs Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh of Shahid Behshti University. The interview aired on IRIB/Jaam-E Jam 2 TV on September 2, 2008.

To view this clip on MEMRI TV, visit http://www.memritv.org/clip/en/1843.htm.

Americans "Don't Understand That [Obama's] Education Would Enable Him to Serve Them Better"

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "The difference between Mr. McCain and Mr. Bush is that McCain steps harder on the gas, but he is driving down the same path, and so there is no difference between them.

[...]

"The problem with Mr. Obama is his education. He is a Harvard graduate. The Americans cannot accept him because they consider him an elitist – someone who thinks he is above others, because he is better educated. They don't understand that his education would enable him to serve them better."

Interviewer: "So they will have more money..."

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "This would improve the situation in America in general. The flaw they see in Mr. Obama – which they don't admit – is that he is highly educated and very eloquent. What does he speak so eloquently for?! Mr. McCain, who considers himself such an expert in international politics, still says 'Czechoslovakia.'"

Interviewer: "He doesn't know that Czechoslovakia was divided?"


McCain "Doesn't Know Anything, Poor Thing"

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "He doesn't know anything, poor thing. He is terrible. Let me tell you, he's awful. He doesn't know the difference between Shiites and Sunnis, yet he wants to resolve the problems in Iraq? He doesn't know whether Iran is Shiite or Sunni, or the difference between the two."

[...]

Interviewer: "Many experts believe that the crises in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Palestine are the Achilles' heel of America. Therefore, we should ask whether there is any difference between the Democratic and Republican parties with regard to the issue of Iraq. Is there any difference between them?"


"Biden... Is Respectable and Healthy"

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "Yes. Mr. Obama's perspective is more clear. Only yesterday, they transferred control of the Al-Anbar province to the Iraqi government, on the first day of Ramadhan. This is something Mr. Obama has been saying. Mr. Obama has said several times: 'Al-Qaeda operates in 80 countries, but we got ourselves entangled in Iraq. Our presence in Iraq is what led Al-Qaeda to begin operating there.' That's why Mr. Obama and his team...

"Mr. Biden is a very respectable man. He has a good reputation, and he is respectable and healthy. He has been in the Senate for 36 years, since he was 29. They are more knowledgeable in foreign affairs. True, Obama has no experience, but McCain not only has no experience, but doesn't even know where 'abroad' is. The poor guy is very absentminded."

Interviewer: "McCain has declared that if he is elected, American forces will stay in Iraq 100 years. Based on this, can we draw any conclusion about which party is more likely to win?"

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "My problem is that McCain is a war hero, a veteran pilot, whose plane crashed in Vietnam and who spent eight and a half years at war. He is a respectable, humane, honest, and patriotic man, but when it comes to foreign policy and domestic affairs, he has nothing to offer."

[...]

Interviewer: "Is the fact that [Palin] is a woman likely to appeal to women, and to arouse feminist sentiment in American society?"


Ms. Clinton "Is One of the Strongest Women in American History"; Ms. Palin Has No Experience

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "Definitely. Dr. Kamrava mentioned the question of her experience. I don't think her husband knows about her experience either. She doesn't have any experience."

Interviewer: "She spent two years as governor of Alaska."

Mohammad-Ali Fardanesh: "Sixteen months. She was the mayor of a town of 10,000 residents. The previous governor of Alaska was a very corrupt man, and anybody running against him would have won. That's how she won.

"No. My answer is 'no.' Just like Obama is a phenomenon, as I said, Ms. Clinton, with her academic record, her determination, and her expertise in various issues, was outstanding and prominent. She is one of the strongest women in American history. Now, Ms. Palin – whose name they don't even pronounce correctly... Will she manage to attract Clinton's voters? No."

03 September 2008

Five Star Shitstorm - The Republican National Convention




Wait until you get to the part in the video from last night's Daily Show where they interview a "typical Republican delegate" on Monday night while Hurricane Gustav was rolling into Louisiana, really, truly pissed off that the RNC canceled Monday's events "because a few people are gettin' rained on". It's unbelievable to me that people like that actually exist in the world or that they have found a home in the Republican Party. In looking throughout the hall where the RNC is being held, I must admit I have never seen so many white people in one place since, well, the last Republican National Convention. This is a party for white people only? Or the occasional token minority? In this country? Right now? I can't believe it. I hope Sarah Palin-Von Schtupp wows 'em tonight on the benefits of being a woman from a state where men outnumber women 20:1. All those white folks need to learn how to dance, on the floor and in bed.

Randy Shiner

02 September 2008

You Do The Math - Why You Should Not Vote for John McCain

One of the benefits of having what is euphemistically called a "hematologic malignancy", polycythemia vera, is that you get to listen to some very, very candid stories from people during normal conversation.

Anyway, feeling somewhat strange over the course of the past week, I reported to the Moores Cancer Center at UCSD this afternoon for my weekly blood check. Well, almost weekly. I skipped it last week, as I really didn't want my dear son, whom I love more than life itself, to have to watch his father get stuck with a harpoon and bled off to the tune of something that resembled an overinflated, very small plastic pillow. Which would then be unceremoniously donated to the nearest biowaste disposal unit, the garbage.

We began this afternoon in somewhat of a dark place; the humor is almost a mask for the terror we all really feel, but it's life and we do indeed laugh. We have to, because having to actually go to a cancer center is the pits. It's not good. At 47, I never imagined it'd be me who would have to report goings on from that sort of place. And I am here reporting to you from a place that, I pray, has no windows directly into your lives at this point. As a result of the situation, I am fortunate to get to watch as people who are usually quite a bit older than me come in. There are plenty of WWII veterans in there on any given day. Being a student of WWII, I love to talk to them about their exploits. I can tell that those old men, many of whom willingly and gladly shed blood for an America that fough and killed the Japanese on one side of the world and the Germans on the other, having gone to war in many cases for reasons bigger than they are - for their country and for freedom -- and the freedom of a lot of people from evil -- really knew how to live their lives having faced imminent and very often painful death in the face. This is what I witness and have witnessed for the past two years. Basically, I get to see people who are too busy for bullshit. They know how precious this life is - not just the physicality of life, but the concept of life itself. They have known it since at least they left the armed forces after WWII and in many cases, on top of making friends with the grim reaper later on in life, they knew deprivation during the great depression of 1929, which eventually lasted until the country went to an all-out war footing after 1941. Combat soldiers and the elderly in general command my respect and admiration, for the most part.

Through humor we and nurses who know, laugh back at the world that we will all leave behind to our children. We all realize the beauty of the world, of music and of life that must be lived
always and despite, for something bigger, because it is from places like this that we grow out of ourselves and into something that is clearly bigger and more important than our own physical selves. Or at least yearn for that kind of sense of immanence, when you think, but aren't quite sure, that it all makes sense that it makes no sense. I report here in the hope that you will live every moment before your life too becomes measured and partially defined but totally governed by date of diagnosis. I'm 2004. Pleasure to meet you.

Somehow or another the topic of Mr. McCain's Vice Presidential pick came up this afternoon as I was trying vainly to make myself comfortable on the hospital-cheesy plastic faux LAZ-Boy. As my nurse prepped my arm and got ready to stick me with Lidocaine to numb the skin before the harpoon goes in (would that the whales at the time of Moby Dick and Herman Melville had the same privilege), one of the other nurses, whose name will herein remain nameless, says out loud in not quite the tone of Charlie Brown's teacher and the tenor of a fairly nasal, down to earth person's pitch: "I've heard it's somethin' like 20:1 MEN in Alaska! Dont'cha know what's happenin' in the PALIN house?! And I mean BOTH OF THEM. Bristol AND Sarah!"

There are approximately 600,000 people in Alaska. You do the math. Good for them. It's the Von Palin- Schtupp Family! They aren't Catholic, but every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. They think that if a sperm is wasted, God will get quite irate. What kind of aria will they sing? Monty Python needs to re-do that skit and feature the Von Palin-Schtupp Family. You heard it here first. And if Monty Python don't do it, I'll faux pledge to make that opera come to life as my gift to the world.

I received a comment from a reader yesterday that was quite interesting. He says all the sexual activity in the Palin household is a good thing, because that way, we can start to repopulate the earth with white people and Jews to counterbalance the ever-increasing rise of what I presumed he meant to say "the Moslem Hordes". Fabulous. We can bring orgies officially back to the White House. Sex will once again be back in vogue. As in the time of the Third Reich it will be a National Security issue and therefore an obligation. We should pursue that worthy agenda with American gusto. We should pursue it with the same intensity that we are beginning to fight foreign domination of the oil we need. Many of the the present economic woes are directly traceable back to foreign domination of the oil we need, so sex and oil are at the top of any McCain/Palin ticket. They can come to Washington and show the white establishment how it's meant to be done and prove that it can be done and done well. Then and only then will mankind come to terms with itself as far as its priorities are concerned. All of our citizens will be reasonably hot, horny or powerful.

I looked up at one of the nurses and said: "Did you see the picture of Bristol Palin on the cover of the UT? (They charge .75 for that rag? People pay money for that? In this town? No wonder it's dying.) I saw it out in the waiting room. "She's a .....cow", I thought to myself feeling kind of weird even rendering an opinion. She wouldn't stand a chance of sex in California, so the fact that she is fat tells me that a powerful woman is quite an attractive thing. I guess she wasn't that fat.

Apparently, this abstinence-educated, reasonably mature young woman of 17 was never told by her mother or her father to watch out and be careful not to get knocked up. She was never told that there are boys that would love to do so to the governor's daughter. This is the reason not to vote for John McCain. A woman and a man who are either morons or completely disconnected from their kids will be a breath away from the most powerful position on earth. This is that upon which he bases his "country first" boast? This election is too important to momentarily or remotely think about leaving this country to ideological, disconnected morons again. I hope Bristol Palin lives through the bullshit that they are dragging her through. She can't help herself, and neither could the kid who is likewise dragged into this mess as the father. I feel worst for her and him. Neither of them signed up for any of this. Not a bit. They're just in high school. We, alas are not. I know.

Randy Shiner

The Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry




The Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry: Part 1
by Marnie Winston-Macauley

We Jews take our worrying so seriously it's as if it were a mitzvah



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It seems to me that almost every Jew I know suffers from terminal anxiety. And why not? With a history filled with tsouris we've probably developed a Yiddishe mutation: a W-strand on our DNA for "Worry." Forget Murphy's Law. Chances are his real name was Murphosky and his family taught him: "If anything can go wrong, it will."

Picture it. First day of school. September, 1950-something. Eighty-two degrees. I was polished, brushed, dressed, breakfasted, and school bagged ...

MOM:"The school bus will be here in an hour. Take your scarf and mittens."
ME:"But mommy ... it's hot."
MOM:"It could snow."
DAD:"It's been known to happen in September. In 1948, three feet we had."
MOM:"Besides, I'm a little chilly."
BUBBE:"DON'T FORGET... vipe off the seat in the bus. Could be, a person mit a cough or woise sat last."
MOM:"And here's daddy's work number if mine's busy when the school nurse calls."
ME:"The nurse?!"
MOM: "Mamala, you could fall off the swings in the playground (POO!) -
BUBBE:"... chip a tooth (POO POO!) -
MOM:"Or get your finger caught in a swinging door (POO POOS FLOODING THE KITCHEN FLOOR)

Finally, the bus "honked." I dutifully wiped off my seat in the back to avoid ... what? Mad cow disease? ... and took my place next to squirmy Ricky Di Pietro. "Hey!" he said, during a backward squirm. "Some creepy guy in a green station wagon's following us at, like, two miles an hour! Now, he's waving! Look!" I didn't have to. The hairs on my neck "recognized" daddy's "wave."

You think it's a coincidence that a Jew invented Valium?

You think it's a coincidence that a Jew invented Valium?

So, dear readers, I bring you The Ten "Commandments" of Jewish Worry. However, as I was worried that all 10 at once might lead to WO (Worry Overload), I'll give them to you in smaller doses. This week five. Next week, the other five (assuming we all make it until then).

ONE: THOU SHALT REMAIN IN CONSTANT CONTACT

"Phone Home" was said by E.T. (but no doubt Steven Spielberg heard it somewhere). Minimum contact for a Jewish parent and child is every single day, twice is better. Once, contact failed. After contacting the usual suspects, my parents called a) my aunt in the Bronx, b) an ex-boyfriend I last saw at his Bar Mitzvah, and c) the morgue at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. The Medical Examiner tracked me down. "Your parents called looking for you. The message: 'Please show some rachmunas (compassion) on us and call already?!'" I was 24.

A friend, Harry Lechter, told me: "My mother-in-law wants 'the kids' to check in twice a day. When we're traveling, she has a map with pins so she can track us."

TWO: LATENESS SHALL BE PUNISHABLE BY TWO SCORE OF SUFFERING (AND HOCKING)

To a Jew, "late" is five minutes before anyone's due.

I still see my mother's face peering from a window at midnight if I wasn't home from a date, as Dad sat in a chair, dressed, for when the police arrived. When I got in at 12:20, Mom gave me "the basic silent look" for two days which she felt was equal to her 20 minutes of worry.

THREE: THOU SHALT ASSUME A TUMMY ACHE IS A TUMOR (to be on the safe side)

For many Jews, including me, it's quite normal to assume that a splinter of the toe could be a (shhh) early warning sign.

When my son was born, not only did I check fingers and toes, but his blood type - to start listing potential donors, just in case. When he was two, his pediatrician wrote on his chart: "MOTHER: LUNATIC" which might've been due to the fact that I thought a hernia in a toddler might be malignant. Of course, what the doctor didn't understand, was, the minute we become Jewish parents another cultural mutation kicks in - W-Ray vision (Worry-Ray) otherwise known as, "Wait ... is that spot getting bigger?"

My son's pediatrician wrote on his chart: "MOTHER: LUNATIC."

As such, my son has had everything on or near him removed: moles, warts, beauty marks ... and a few people with post-nasal drip.

FOUR: THOU SHALT GET NO SATISFACTION

"Is anything OK?' asked the waiter." So goes the old Borscht belt line. Trust me, the worry-kvetch is still alive and "unwell" among some Jews. Especially in restaurants. I have heard the following in more forms than the Goldberg Variations, from family to the famous.

"We have to move to a different table. We're 100 yards (to, from, away) the air conditioning! Pneumonia, I'll get."

Like a Yiddishe "Goldilocks," in any situation Jews have only two possibilities: it's too hot or too cold. Too hard or too soft. Nothing's just right.

The most "capable" kvetchers can find something wrong with everything, everywhere, every time.

*You: "How about taking a drive on Sunday?" *Them: "Sunday! Every meshuganah's on the road! Who drives on a Sunday! Nobody!"

*You: "Aunt Rose, that dress in Bloomingdale's window's perfect for you." *Them: "For one affair? Retail, yet? And when I need groceries? What, I should snack on silk? "

*You: "My boss chose me to close that big deal in San Francisco!" *Them: "They have the most crooked street in America there and a gazelle you aren't. You could tumble down, like Jack and Jill - splat."

San Francisco has the most crooked street in America and a gazelle you aren't!

FIVE: THOU SHALT FORCE FEED ALL CREATURES - AT LEAST A PIECE OF FRUIT

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin.

Most Jews aren't happy unless they're: a) offering food; b) eating food; c) discussing food:

"Oy, such delicious bobka! I can hardly walk from that brunch!"

Worry over the next meal starts after cake from the preceding meal: (Sigh!) "So ... did you take out the lamb chops for dinner?"

"My mother's from the school that the minute you walk in the house you have to eat," said "Curb Your Enthusiasm's" Susie Essman in a 2003 interview, describing her mother Zora. "She asks, 'What can I get you?' and if I say, 'Nothing,' the question just continues. One Thanksgiving, there were only six of us, and she had two 20-pound turkeys - plus brisket. Not to mention the eight sides and 15 pies and cakes. And halvah. I went on stage that night to do stand-up and I just read the menu from her dinner."

When I spoke to Mama Zora, she took umbrage. She never served brisket!

So there you have it: The first five commandments of Jewish worry - not in the Biblical sense, of course, but from the "common sense" we've picked up while wandering and running. Meanwhile, dear readers, you could use a break ... a week at least. But don't worry! You'll get all ten. We counted.

SIX: THOU SHALT FIND THE FATAL FLAW Many of us have an uncanny ability to find the microscopic hole in the Mona Lisa. Who hasn't heard a Jewish parent say, "You look gorgeous! Perfect! Wait ...

a) ... "is that shmutz on your elbow? (SPITS, RUBS SPOT) In the crease. Is that supposed to be a crease. Your dry cleaner's a goniff (thief)!"

b) ... "who covers up a Renoir?! I'll just move those bangs. Oy?! Is that a zit? I'm taking you to the dermatologist - just in case."

c) ... "have you lost a pound? Everyone tells me how stunning you are, a little zaftig! So now you're becoming an anorexic?!"

"Is that a zit? I'm taking you to the dermatologist - just in case."

My personal favorite came to me from comic and writer, Bill Dana who told me, "I had started earning enough money by writing 'The Steve Allen Show' to get my own New York City pad. I called to tell my mother. 'Ma, wait till you see it! It's in a great neighborhood. You enter and there's a kitchen level and you take three steps down to a living room area, then you step up right to my nice-sized bedroom and bath. Then you step back down from the bedroom to the living room, then two steps down to a den with steps up to a lovely garden behind glass!' Nothing. Then after a minute, she finally said ... 'Don't fall.'"

SEVEN: KEEP WEATHER HOLY

I personally know nine Jewish people who, despite 2,000 satellite stations, keep all of them set to one: The Weather Channel. I believe that many Jews are closet climate-junkies. They sit, like zombies, staring at dew points and wind chill factors - in Katmandu. And not only do they take it personally, but they feel it's their business to warn their nearest and dearest to "be prepared."

As a kid, I brought enough "wearable weatherproof" to make it to school in event of monsoon or tidal flood and brought "extra" if my mother felt coolish, wettish, or warmish.

When I had my first apartment, if there was lightning on the Eastern seaboard, I was warned to unplug everything with a cord, and store enough bottled water, canned food, and flashlights to rejuvenate the Dead Sea, feed a small African nation, and light up the entire city of Pittsburgh.

When Amy Borkowsky's mother heard that a foot of snow was expected in "outlying" areas of New York City, she left a message warning her to wrap a scarf around her face ... because "that man who climbed Mount Everest lost his entire nose."

No question. In case of, heaven forbid, nuclear attack, all citizens should run to shelters - or apartments of Jewish children.

EIGHT: THROUGHOUT THE LAND THOU SHALT SEE THUGS

If an adult child is "not in" on schedule, it's normal for many a Jewish parent to assume: "she's tied up"- literally. More than eight minutes late, and the alert goes up to "lying somewhere dead on the streets." Officially considered to have "gone missing," Nancy Grace must be notified.

You call:"My daughter Sheila's gone missing!"

Nancy Grace:"Tell us, Mrs. Goldfarb, when did you last see Sheila?"

You: "This morning! I made her pancakes and milk, 2%- then she left!

Nancy Grace: "On her own! Ya' hear that, viewers! A little girl who drinks her milk and suddenly she's gone missin'. I don't think so."

You:"Not so little. She's 5'9" in stocking feet. With her Manolo Blahniks, 5'11.

Nancy Grace:"Wait. Just how old is little Sheila?"

You: "34."

When I got my first apartment, my father installed so many locks Houdini would've had to call the fire department to get in.

Amy Borkowsky's mother left messages warning her not to wear her red bathrobe when she took out the garbage because her friend's grandson said that red is a "gang color."

"Don't wear your red bathrobe outside because red is a 'gang color.'"

But my friend Adele's mom takes the prize for paranoia. When she heard on the news there was a demonstration scheduled at a Manhattan embassy, she called her married daughter in New Jersey. "Mamala, when you go to the store in Paramus, don't go near Manhattan." Just in case ...

NINE: IT HAPPENED TO THEM, THEREFORE IT (COULD, MIGHT, WILL) HAPPEN TO THOU

You've no doubt noticed in the preceding two "commandments" that there's one primo "Jewish Law of Probability:" If it happened to anyone, anywhere, anytime, better to figure, 99.9% -- you could be next. " After all, if it happened to Uncle Myron's mishpocha's neighbor's son's barber -it could happen to you!.

My late mother heard a report on famine in Africa on the same newscast that mentioned a tsunami brewing near Sri Lanka. At 10 pm, she arrived at my apartment followed by three men from the World Wrestling Federation, schlepping the entire frozen food aisle of "Costco." Just in case. But my late father had her beat. When Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army, were photographed robbing a San Francisco bank, I received the following call: "Your mother and I noticed Patty had on a Pea coat - like yours - and we read she's 5'3" - also like you. Promise us, darling! Until she's captured ... stay away from banks.

TEN: ASSUME THE WORST! NEVER BE CALM WHEN THOU CAN CATASTROPHIZE

As we've seen, many a Jewish parent may tend toward slight negative exaggeration and over-reaction. A bissel "worry," then, is really a big tsimmis!

For example:

*What if: a toddler isn't running by 12 months? He should be checked for paralysis - just in case.

*What if: your son isn't hungry? He might become a feature, "Boys and Bulimia," on Discovery Health.

*What if: Your daughter isn't home at midnight? Assume she's in a ditch with broken teeth and a ruined rhinoplasty.

The "What if" factor was coined by my friend Harry Lechter. "What if ... " is a concept his wife lives by. Newton's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, is replaced by the "Nu ... What If Law: For every action there is an unequal, unjust, and unexpected reaction.

I leave you with the master, Neil Simon. In his Brighton Beach Memoirs, Mama sends her son out for a quarter pound of butter twice a day. When he ask why not a half pound once a day, her answer? "Suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?" Nu??

True, just in case, to everybody else may be a little meshugge. But for us Jews, "just in case" has been "the case" - far too often. Indeed, those three little words may be one reason we Jews are still around -- to worry - and to laugh.

Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother" and the award-winning "A Little Joy, A Little Oy" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.

Moscow halts Iran cooperation with US, will complete Bushehr reactor

View from a booth:

While the US plays tiddlywinks with Sarah Palin and is occupied with Hurricane Gustav, Putin is fighting tigers (and winning) and is making a play to bring Iran into its sphere of influence. I really miss old drunk Boris Yeltsin. I really do. The Russian Bear was easier to deal with when shikker. Oh, I long for the good ol' days when the US wasn't a third-world power in first-world clothes. Time to start shopping smarter. No more retail. Marshalls anyone? TJ Maxx? Ross? The country can't afford more.

Randy Shiner


Moscow halts Iran cooperation with US, will complete Bushehr reactor

DEBKAfile Special Report

August 30, 2008, 7:32 PM (GMT+02:00)

Bushehr nuclear reactor to be ready to go by end of 2008

Bushehr nuclear reactor to be ready to go by end of 2008

The Georgia quarrel has all but derailed US-Russian cooperation on the Iran issue. Moscow is not only pulling out of the diplomatic and sanctions front against Iran’s nuclear program; according to DEBKAfile’s Russian sources, Moscow has decided to finally finish building Iran’s nuclear reactor in the southern town of Bushehr before the end of the year, after holding back for five years at Washington’s insistence.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin said in reference to the impact of the Georgia row on US-Russian cooperation on Iran Thursday, Aug. 28: “If nobody wants to talks with us on these issues and cooperation with Russia is not needed, then for God’s sake, do it yourself.”

Moscow has now committed to completing the reactor within four months. DEBKAfile’s military sources report that the functioning plant will enable Iran to operate a heavy water plant and produce plutonium as an alternative to enriched uranium for building a nuclear bomb. Tehran had originally counted on the Syria’s North Korean reactor at al Kibar for plutonium. It was demolished by Israel last September.

Putin’s sharp comment means the West can forget about Russian support for another round of harsh sanctions to punish Iran for refusing to suspend uranium enrichment. He made it clear that Western nations will have to resolve the standoff without Russian help if they refuse to cooperate with Moscow on Georgia.

The Russians have lost no time in following through on their threat. This week, they are sending the head of their Nuclear Energy Board, Sergei Kireinko, to Tehran at the head of a large delegation. They will stay for at least ten days to clear away the problems for getting the Bushehr reactor up and running by the end of 2008.

Undercover Mosque: The Return

Undercover Mosque: The Return

Mon, Sep 1, 2008 at 6:24:14 pm PDT

The British Channel 4 show Dispatches has done a followup to Undercover Mosque, with an undercover female reporter this time—and the revelations about what’s being preached in British mosques are no less shocking than the first go-round.



01 September 2008

Focus on the Family's Prayer for Rain on Obama's Acceptance Speech




Now that Hurricane Gustav has come ashore and caused loads of damage and destruction of property and lives in Louisiana and elsewhere on the Gulf Coast today, do we have to really ask ourselves if God is a Democrat or a Republican? Obviously, God is not without a sense of humor or irony as Hurricane Gustav has washed out the party in MSP, at least for today. Who says God isn't listening? Not me. This is beyond coincidence, damn the rational mind.

Randy Shiner

Lili Von Schtupp - "I'm SO Tired!"



Let's give it up to the Palin Family. They are an amazing bunch. Here's Sarah Palin's unofficial Corner Deli Theme Song, "I'm SO Tired". Enjoy. Laugh a little, OK?

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH - An Ode to Bristol Palin Courtesy of Monty Python

View from a booth:

I am spending so much space on the Republicans and the Palins since the humor of this situation is beyond a gift to me, it's a gift to the world..."Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great...." This from the family whose materfamilia, Mrs. Palin, wants abstinence taught in school and not birth control. Ummm....right.


Randy Shiner



THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------

THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH

PART 2

THE THIRD WORLD

Yorkshire

[A northern street. Dad is marching home. We see his house. A stork
flies above it, and drops a baby down the chimney.]

Dad: Oh bloody hell.

[Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink. With
a cry a new-born baby, complete with umbilical cord,
drops from between her legs onto the floor.]

Mother: Get that would you, Deirdre...

Girl: All right, Mum.

[The girl takes the baby. Mum carries on.]

[Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly.
Inside there are at least forty children, of various
ages, packed into the living room.]

Mum: [with tray] Whose teatime is it?

Scores of Voices: Me, mum...

Mum: Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas,
Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and
Sasha... it's your bedtime!

Children: [all together] Oh, Mum!

Mum: Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda...

Dad: Wait...

[They all listen.]

I've got something to tell the whole family.

[All stop... A buzz of excitement.]

Mum: [to her nearest son] Quick... go and get the others in,
Gordon!

[Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter
the room. They squash in at the back as best they can.]

Dad: The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're destitute.

[Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'... from
around the room.]

I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific
experiments. [The children protest with heart-rending pleas.]
No no, that's the way it is my loves... Blame the Catholic
church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber
things... Oh they've done some wonderful things in their time,
they preserved the might and majesty, even the mystery of the
Church of Rome, the sanctity of the sacrament and the
indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear
one of the little rubber things on the end of my cock we
wouldn't be in the mess we are now.

Little Boy: Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?

Dad: Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing
religion in the world, my boy... You see, we believe... well,
let me put it like this...
[sings]

There are Jews in the world,
There are Buddhists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then,
There are those that follow Mohammed,
But I've never been one of them...

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics,
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...

You don't have to be a six-footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on -
You're a Catholic the minute Dad came...

Because...

Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Children: Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Child: [solo] Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for,
Each sperm that can't be found.

Children: Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighbourhood.

Mum: [solo] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Men neighbours: [peering out of toilets]
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,

Women neighbours: [on wall]
If a sperm is wasted,

Children: God get quite irate.

Priest: [in church] Every sperm is sacred,

Bride and Groom: Every sperm is good.

Nannies: Every sperm is needed.

Cardinals: [in prams] In your neighbourhood!

Children: Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,

Funeral Cortege: God needs everybody's,

First Mourner: Mine!

Lady Mourner: And mine!

Corpse: And mine!

Nun: [solo] Though the pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain,

Various artefacts in a Roman Catholic Souvenir Shop:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Everybody: Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighbourhood.

Even more than everybody, including two fire-eaters, a juggler, a
clown at a piano and a stilt-walker riding a bicycle:
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

[Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters, the
juggler, the clown at the piano and the stilt-walker
riding the bicycle). Fireworks go off, a Chinese dragon
is brought on and flags of all nations are unfurled
overhead.]

[Back inside.]

God Speaks to Republicans: "Get It Right the First Time"


As I looked this morning at the New Orleans Times-Picayune website, a feeling of relief came over me: while Hurricane Gustav has apparently made landfall west of New Orleans, it was not the fierce category four or five that was predicted yesterday and the day before. While water has gone over the Industrial Canal flood wall that is near the upper ninth ward of New Orleans, it has not collapsed. Local officials are breathing a temporary sigh of relief. I am too. http://www.nola.com/hurricane/index.ssf/2008/09/report_water_coming_over_indus.html

But fear not. In this election year, unlike 2005, the Republican response was swift and true: no party today in MSP. What kind of picture would it have been if the Republican fat-cats and "social conservatives" had been seen in split-screen partying while New Orleans lay vacant or under water, again, for the second time in three years? Not a good one. Though I am by nature a political animal, which is to say that I can be impolitic at times, even I would not wish yet another horrific biblical-scale disaster on anyone just for cheap political theater. Not me. Instead, I see some other lessons here that should be instructive, stemming from the notion that, in many circumstances, there's no chance to get it right a second time: BushCo had the chance to get it right the first time and, to put it mildly, didn't.

So the RNC will be put on hold. Mr. McCain and Ms. Von Schtupp, his running mate, will tour and feign interest in the lives of the truly poor on the Gulf Coast, undoubtedly chaperoned by Cindy McCain spying from her Learjet and the Predator Drone she bought for this purpose from Northrop Grumman. Though it was unreported by any major news organization, I have it on good authority from a reliable source that will remain nameless that the foregoing purchase was a condition of Mrs. McCain allowing frisky Johnny to be alone and within 10 feet of Ms. Von Schtupp and therefore allowing her to be his running mate.

When the hurricane is over, the McCain/Von Schtupp juggernaut can go back to situation normal. That is to say, they will resume the comforting predictability of what this country has come to know over the past eight years: talking a good game, feigning interest, and going back to business as usual. The ownership society will go back to work: when the chips are down, you're on your own.

While storm patterns are unpredictable, government response to disaster has to get it right the first time. This is the lesson for the country. We cannot afford another troupe of Bowery Boys (accompanied by Ms. Von Schtupp for entertainment and comfort) to come to power in this country to run a great experiment at the cost of the lives and fortunes of our countrymen and women who have the right to rely upon their government to get it right the first time. As is proven by Hurrricane Katrina, you only get one chance to make a first impression. Thank God the Bushies, McCain and Von Schtupp will not have the chance to show the country what they cannot do.