Morris Turns 95

Top Ten Signs You are Sitting Next to the Pope in Synagogue

Top Ten Signs You are Sitting Next to the Pope in Synagogue

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10. Two Words: Yarmulke Envy

9. Asks who won the Cardinals Game last night

8. When he tells you his last name is Ratzinger, you ask if he is related to the Ratzingers in Boro Park

7. Finally have the perfect audience for your "A priest, a rabbi walk into a bar" joke

6. You hand him a Hertz Chumash because you think he'll appreciate the Roman numerals

5. Says the 2 seats next to him are reserved for his Father and his Son

4. At Kiddush club, Pope makes b-line to communion wafers a.k.a. TamTams

3. Torah reading describes Ark of Covenant, Pope whispers "Sounds like something I have in my basement"

2. During moment of silence for the Holocaust, you whisper "Guess you guys are used to this"

1. When rabbi speech goes on for more than 30 minutes, he mumbles "Jesus..." 

A Visit to the Veterinarian with Irving

Morty visits Dr. Danielle, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog, has a problem."

Dr. Danielle says, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around
and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order
me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want
something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my
arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat,
and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should
eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's
out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could
stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should
roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Danielle is amazed "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'".

Ahmediniejad's Dream

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Obama and tells
him, "Barack, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole
beautiful country, and on each house I saw banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Obama asks.

Mahmud replies, "UNITED STATES OF IRAN."

Obama says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because
believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran , and
it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mahmud asks.

Obama replies,"I don't know, I can't read Hebrew"

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h/t to eejh

Conversation Between Henry Kissinger and Sarah Palin

Yesterday, Henry Kissinger met with Sarah Palin. Though no reporters were allowed in the meeting by Mrs. Palin's advisers, your reporter was able to secretly plant an electronic listening device on under the coffee table between the two principles. I heard everything. What follows is a transcript from the meeting:

Kissinger: welcome to New York, Mrs. Palin.

Palin: Why, it's wonderful to be in New York, Mr. Kissinger. And please, let's dispense with the formalities, so please, just call me Sarah. Everybody does.

Kissinger: You can call me Henry, though I really prefer "schatzy". My mother, may she rest in peace, used to call me.

Palin: That is so GREAT. I love motherhood. Well, schatzy, tell me a little about the world, will you? I've been in Alaska my whole life, and being in New York really feels like another place, another country, by golly. All the big buildings! And the strange faces of all colors! Where do you buy mooseburgers here?

Kissinger: We can send out. Wang! Take an order!

Wang: Yes, Mr. Kissinger....

Kissinger: send down to Rosenbloom's for mooseburgers and Cokes, will you?

Wang: Yes, sir.

Palin: Thank you so much! It's been hours since I last had moose meat.

Kissinger: While we're waiting on Wang, let's talk about foreign policy and foreigners, OK? That is why you're here according to the memorandum I got from my staff.

Palin: Yes, schatzy, I need help, and I need it now. Usually I rely on Todd for advice, but he's only been to the North Slope where the view of Russia is real clear, though the Russians have tended to stay on their side of the border on account of because of the Alaska Independence Party militia that Todd started up there. We showed them Russkis a thinger two!

Kissinger: Let me try to see if I can help you.

Palin: Thanks; all those pesky reporters want to ask me questions, and between you and me, schatzy, I am clueless on foreign affairs.

Kissinger: No worries, Sarah. When I was six, I was as clueless as you, but I learned quickly to take clues when I was 15 and my parents got out of Bavaria and moved here to New York. Hitler was a maniac.

Palin: Yes, I've heard that. John tells me that the Iranian President is also a maniac.

Kissinger: That little pisherkeh?! No, he can't hold a candle to Hitler.

Palin: But what to do about all the threats he makes against Israel?

Kissinger: Ach, that's nothingk! Muslims have been threatening to destroy Israel for the last 60 years. This is nothing new. We have a saying on Passover - "mah nishtana, haleilah hazeh" - why should this night be different than every other night?" Arabs don't like Jews and don't like Christians much, either, but the Jews figure very prominently in their teachings. They think we are pigs and apes. And want to wipe us all out, but if they do, they'll have no-one left to hate, so they have to keep us around, if only to vent their hatred at. To kill us all would deprive the Islamists of their raison d'etre.

Palin: Huh?

Kissinger: Which part didn't you understand?

Palin: You lost me after "Muslims". What's a Muslim?

Kissinger: Veronique, where is Wang with the mooseburgers?

Veronique: Wang just called from the firm's mobile phone. He says that they are backed up around the block; he's had to stand on line. There's been a rush on moose.

Kissinger: Let me know the instant Wang gets back.

Veronique: Yes, sir.

Palin: You know, if we were in Alaska, we wouldn't have to wait on line for mooseburgers. I could go into my kitchen and just whip up a nice meal of mooseburgers, Alaska Freedom Fries and a Coke with Jack Daniels in about 5 minutes. I love cookin' and drinkin' and fixin'! By the way, do you mind if I breast feed little Trig here? I let our wet-nurse, Sgatoot, take off for a few weeks to go on a seal hunt.

Kissinger: Of course not! Do you need a blanket or anything?

Palin: Oh no, thank you so much, schatzy. I don't want to overheat Trig. I'll just unbutton this....(inaudible...) There ya go, little fella! That's right, go ahead...that's nice.....(sucking sounds).

Kissinger: He's a hungry little guy!

Palin: That's Alaska for ya!

Kissinger: I have to tell you that I have a lunch with the Council on Foreign Relations in a little bit, so let's get back to getting you up to speed on foreign relations.

Palin: OK, fine, yeah. Great! I am SO honored to be here! Can I have an autograph?

Kissinger: Now, I think that Iran is a big danger in the world today, but it's important to keep in mind that there is a big opposition group in Iran today that we in the West have to keep as our friends, so there is no use in bombing Iran. We would just make enemies out of friends. It seems to me that the best thing that you and John can do is to do what I would do: go and talk to their President and see what comes of that, just like I did with Mao Tse-tung in 1971. After my visit, Richard Nixon went to China and opened it up just a little bit and look what we accomplished! China now owns the US!

Palin: What was that man's name again. I can't write that fast.

Kissinger: Mao. Mao Tse-tung.

Palin: That is SO funny! Because after I shoot a moose, that is exactly the sound they make as they die: Mao. Mao Tse-tung.

Kissinger: Now I've heard you talk about sending US troops into Georgia to fight the Russians.

Palin: Well, I think we can give up a lot for peace, but Atlanta is just too much!

Kissinger: No, no, no! I am talking about Georgia - the country on the Southern Border of Russia that the US was equipping militarily. It's the place where Josef Stalin was born. You know about him, right?

Palin: Oh geez... I feel so misled! Why didn't somebody tell me that stuff before?! I wouldn't have gotten nearly so worked up about it in that case. Who cares about some people on the border of Russia? I'm definitely not interested in having any Americans die for that country. (sucking sounds)

Kissinger: You have to understand that it's been the position of the Bush administration to spread democracy throughout the world, even in places where they don't want it.

Palin: Why? Why don't we just be friends with everyone and let them be?

Kissinger: That's an excellent point. But look at it this way: if we just let everyone alone and let the Russian Bear march all over Eastern Europe, that would not be very good for our interests in the region.

Palin: Can you see Georgia from AlASka?

Kissinger: No.

Palin: Now schatzy, tell me why it is that you think the Russians are so aggressive these days?

Kissinger: The Russians are barbarians. That was one thing that Hitler had right.

Palin: Schatzy, I'm shocked to hear you agreeing with Hitler!

Kissinger: Well, think about it (sucking sound). Bush has spent the last eight years putting missile defense agreements in place with nearly every former Soviet-bloc countries like Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Kyrgistan, Poland, Georgia and Ukraine, so how did we expect them to react when they saw that we here in the US got tied up in Iraq? Those barbarians! Taking such advantage!

Palin: But what if the Russians set up missile defense pacts with our neighbors like Canada and Mexico? We wouldn't very much like that, eh? I don't blame them, really.

Kissinger: be very quiet about that, Sarah. You make sense, but it's not popular politically speaking utter common sense.

Palin: Well, ya know that we in AlASKA are very commonsense-type folks, schatzy.

Kissinger: Yes, they warned me about that in the pre-meeting briefing I had this morning.

Palin: You mean you had to have a meeting about a meeting?

Kissinger: Yes, that's what we do. Have meetings. Get used to it.

Palin: Okay then. Wow. This is complicated stuff. Do they have sports channels like ESPN in Russia? I need to know if they keep up on baseball over there. (sighs heard...inaudible groan)
I LOVE sports, schatzy. Just that kinda gal, I guess.

Kissinger: (sucking sounds) My, Trig is hungrier than I thought! Can he have anything other than breast milk?

Palin: Sure! Do you have bear meat?

Kissinger: No, they outlawed that here in the city some time ago when Mikhail Gorbachev came to visit during the period of Glasnost.

Palin: Gezundheit!

Kissinger: What?

Palin: Gezundheit! I thought you sneezed. You said Glasnost.

Kissinger: Glasnost was the period that predated the fall of the Soviet Union. This word appeared in 1985-1990 as a part of the program of reforms called perestroika, whose goals included combating corruption and the abuse of privilege by the political classes. In the broadest sense, it aimed to liberalize freedom of the press gradually, and to allow for freedom of dissent.^[1] The policy met resistance during the 1986 Chernobyl disaster, when authorities hid the true extent of the nuclear accident for several days.

Through his policy of glasnost, Gorbachev pressured conservatives within the Communist Party who opposed perestroika, his programs of economic restructuring. By cultivating a spirit of intellectual and cultural openness which encouraged public debate and participation, Gorbachev hoped to increase the Soviet people's support for and participation in perestroika.

Palin: Perestroika? Schatzy, this foreign policy stuff isn't as fun as just giving it all up to Jesus Christ. Praise the LORD! Hallelujah! May it be in Jesus' name! Praise the LORD!

Kissinger: Just remember the barbarian thing, Sarah. That's all you need to know. That and keep away from Putin.

Palin: No, I don't go near Putin. I prefer men and Todd in particular.

Kissinger: That's a good thing, because he would give you a shtupping like you never would forget.

Palin: Let me think about that a second. You mean, I could get, how do you say it, "shtupped" by Putin? That actually sounds like it might be nice, I mean, just for a little change in the rotation, if you know what I mean.

Kissinger: Gevalt!

Palin: What?

Kissinger: It's OK, dear. Veronique! Where is Wang?!

Veronique: They ran out of moosemeat at Rosenbloom's deli downstairs.

Kissinger: I TOLD that damn Rosenbloom to stock up on moosemeat in anticipation of Mrs. Palin's visit! Didn't he get the memo from our food futures analyst? What about it, Veronique? (sniffling sounds, then crying)

Palin: Hold on a sec, schatzy. I'll call Todd. He's over on 57th and Lexington and I think he brought his shotgun with him to New York. He'll just go find one and....heck, we can dress it and butcher it and we'll have moosemeat in no time. It's the least I can do for you, schatzy. (sucking sound)

Kissinger: Sarah, I really appreciate your coming here to meet with me, but I really need to get to my next meeting with Condi Rice.

Palin: Well, just a sec, willya? I came 4000 miles from Wasilla, Alaska, so just a minute more, OK?

Kissinger: OK. What else?

Palin: Tell me about the Jews.

Kissinger: That's not one of my favorite topics. You know, I am Jewish, right?

Palin: That's what I've heard. Where are you hiding your horns?

Kissinger: We don't have horns.

Palin: Well, what about drinking the blood of children?

Kissinger: That is overplayed. The only blood that we drink is that of our own children. It's in the Jewish Mother's handbook which is given out to every identifying Jewish mother immediately before giving birth so that they can properly and fully psychologically damage their infants starting from day one.

Palin: I'm ready from day one! Reform Washington! I don't blink!

Kissinger: Yes... (groan) Thank you so much, Sarah, for coming.

Palin: Give me a minute to detach Trig. (sounds, then crying)

Kissinger: He's not very happy now.

Palin: I have that effect on him; the little cub loves mother's milk!

Kissinger: Yes, I like Cubs, too. Better than the Mets' chances.

Palin: What?

Kissinger: Nevermind. Enjoy your visit with Hamid Karzai.

Palin: Are you sure you're not sick? You're sneezing an awful lot, schatzy.

Kissinger: Veronique, show Mrs. Palin the door. Thanks for coming, Sarah. Good luck here in the big city. Don't miss the corned beef at Katz's Deli on Houston Street. Best Corned Beef in the country. Its from cows, and it's not kosher, but you'll like it anyway, I think. They might have a job there for you as a meat cutter after this is all over.

Palin: Ya think they'd have me?! I just love cutting meat!

Kissinger: Yes, and I'm sure that Todd will get along famously at Goldman, Sachs. Mazel Tov on everything - auf weidersehen!

Palin: What's "Kosher"?

(inaudible sounds - door opens, then closes)

Kissinger: Ach du lieber! Mein Gott! Veronique! Get me my Valium and a bottle of my best Cognac. It's that time. (end)

The Ten Commandments of Jewish Worry

by Marnie Winston-Macauley We Jews take our worrying so seriously it's as if it were a mitzvah Email this Print this It seems to me that almost every Jew I know suffers from terminal anxiety. And why not? With a history filled with tsouris we've probably developed a Yiddishe mutation: a W-strand on our DNA for "Worry." Forget Murphy's Law. Chances are his real name was Murphosky and his family taught him: "If anything can go wrong, it will." Picture it. First day of school. September, 1950-something. Eighty-two degrees. I was polished, brushed, dressed, breakfasted, and school bagged ... MOM: "The school bus will be here in an hour. Take your scarf and mittens." ME: "But mommy ... it's hot." MOM: "It could snow." DAD: "It's been known to happen in September. In 1948, three feet we had." MOM: "Besides, I'm a little chilly." BUBBE: "DON'T FORGET... vipe off the seat in the bus. Could be, a person mit a cough or woise sat last." MOM: "And here's daddy's work number if mine's busy when the school nurse calls." ME: "The nurse?!" MOM: "Mamala, you could fall off the swings in the playground (POO!) - BUBBE: "... chip a tooth (POO POO!) - MOM: "Or get your finger caught in a swinging door (POO POOS FLOODING THE KITCHEN FLOOR) Finally, the bus "honked." I dutifully wiped off my seat in the back to avoid ... what? Mad cow disease? ... and took my place next to squirmy Ricky Di Pietro. "Hey!" he said, during a backward squirm. "Some creepy guy in a green station wagon's following us at, like, two miles an hour! Now, he's waving! Look!" I didn't have to. The hairs on my neck "recognized" daddy's "wave." You think it's a coincidence that a Jew invented Valium? You think it's a coincidence that a Jew invented Valium? So, dear readers, I bring you The Ten "Commandments" of Jewish Worry. However, as I was worried that all 10 at once might lead to WO (Worry Overload), I'll give them to you in smaller doses. This week five. Next week, the other five (assuming we all make it until then). ONE: THOU SHALT REMAIN IN CONSTANT CONTACT "Phone Home" was said by E.T. (but no doubt Steven Spielberg heard it somewhere). Minimum contact for a Jewish parent and child is every single day, twice is better. Once, contact failed. After contacting the usual suspects, my parents called a) my aunt in the Bronx, b) an ex-boyfriend I last saw at his Bar Mitzvah, and c) the morgue at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. The Medical Examiner tracked me down. "Your parents called looking for you. The message: 'Please show some rachmunas (compassion) on us and call already?!'" I was 24. A friend, Harry Lechter, told me: "My mother-in-law wants 'the kids' to check in twice a day. When we're traveling, she has a map with pins so she can track us." TWO: LATENESS SHALL BE PUNISHABLE BY TWO SCORE OF SUFFERING (AND HOCKING) To a Jew, "late" is five minutes before anyone's due. I still see my mother's face peering from a window at midnight if I wasn't home from a date, as Dad sat in a chair, dressed, for when the police arrived. When I got in at 12:20, Mom gave me "the basic silent look" for two days which she felt was equal to her 20 minutes of worry. THREE: THOU SHALT ASSUME A TUMMY ACHE IS A TUMOR (to be on the safe side) For many Jews, including me, it's quite normal to assume that a splinter of the toe could be a (shhh) early warning sign. When my son was born, not only did I check fingers and toes, but his blood type - to start listing potential donors, just in case. When he was two, his pediatrician wrote on his chart: "MOTHER: LUNATIC" which might've been due to the fact that I thought a hernia in a toddler might be malignant. Of course, what the doctor didn't understand, was, the minute we become Jewish parents another cultural mutation kicks in - W-Ray vision (Worry-Ray) otherwise known as, "Wait ... is that spot getting bigger?" My son's pediatrician wrote on his chart: "MOTHER: LUNATIC." As such, my son has had everything on or near him removed: moles, warts, beauty marks ... and a few people with post-nasal drip. FOUR: THOU SHALT GET NO SATISFACTION "Is anything OK?' asked the waiter." So goes the old Borscht belt line. Trust me, the worry-kvetch is still alive and "unwell" among some Jews. Especially in restaurants. I have heard the following in more forms than the Goldberg Variations, from family to the famous. "We have to move to a different table. We're 100 yards (to, from, away) the air conditioning! Pneumonia, I'll get." Like a Yiddishe "Goldilocks," in any situation Jews have only two possibilities: it's too hot or too cold. Too hard or too soft. Nothing's just right. The most "capable" kvetchers can find something wrong with everything, everywhere, every time. *You: "How about taking a drive on Sunday?" *Them: "Sunday! Every meshuganah's on the road! Who drives on a Sunday! Nobody!" *You: "Aunt Rose, that dress in Bloomingdale's window's perfect for you." *Them: "For one affair? Retail, yet? And when I need groceries? What, I should snack on silk? " *You: "My boss chose me to close that big deal in San Francisco!" *Them: "They have the most crooked street in America there and a gazelle you aren't. You could tumble down, like Jack and Jill - splat." San Francisco has the most crooked street in America and a gazelle you aren't! FIVE: THOU SHALT FORCE FEED ALL CREATURES - AT LEAST A PIECE OF FRUIT The remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Calvin Trillin. Most Jews aren't happy unless they're: a) offering food; b) eating food; c) discussing food: "Oy, such delicious bobka! I can hardly walk from that brunch!" Worry over the next meal starts after cake from the preceding meal: (Sigh!) "So ... did you take out the lamb chops for dinner?" "My mother's from the school that the minute you walk in the house you have to eat," said "Curb Your Enthusiasm's" Susie Essman in a 2003 interview, describing her mother Zora. "She asks, 'What can I get you?' and if I say, 'Nothing,' the question just continues. One Thanksgiving, there were only six of us, and she had two 20-pound turkeys - plus brisket. Not to mention the eight sides and 15 pies and cakes. And halvah. I went on stage that night to do stand-up and I just read the menu from her dinner." When I spoke to Mama Zora, she took umbrage. She never served brisket! So there you have it: The first five commandments of Jewish worry - not in the Biblical sense, of course, but from the "common sense" we've picked up while wandering and running. Meanwhile, dear readers, you could use a break ... a week at least. But don't worry! You'll get all ten. We counted. SIX: THOU SHALT FIND THE FATAL FLAW Many of us have an uncanny ability to find the microscopic hole in the Mona Lisa. Who hasn't heard a Jewish parent say, "You look gorgeous! Perfect! Wait ... a) ... "is that shmutz on your elbow? (SPITS, RUBS SPOT) In the crease. Is that supposed to be a crease. Your dry cleaner's a goniff (thief)!" b) ... "who covers up a Renoir?! I'll just move those bangs. Oy?! Is that a zit? I'm taking you to the dermatologist - just in case." c) ... "have you lost a pound? Everyone tells me how stunning you are, a little zaftig! So now you're becoming an anorexic?!" "Is that a zit? I'm taking you to the dermatologist - just in case." My personal favorite came to me from comic and writer, Bill Dana who told me, "I had started earning enough money by writing 'The Steve Allen Show' to get my own New York City pad. I called to tell my mother. 'Ma, wait till you see it! It's in a great neighborhood. You enter and there's a kitchen level and you take three steps down to a living room area, then you step up right to my nice-sized bedroom and bath. Then you step back down from the bedroom to the living room, then two steps down to a den with steps up to a lovely garden behind glass!' Nothing. Then after a minute, she finally said ... 'Don't fall.'" SEVEN: KEEP WEATHER HOLY I personally know nine Jewish people who, despite 2,000 satellite stations, keep all of them set to one: The Weather Channel. I believe that many Jews are closet climate-junkies. They sit, like zombies, staring at dew points and wind chill factors - in Katmandu. And not only do they take it personally, but they feel it's their business to warn their nearest and dearest to "be prepared." As a kid, I brought enough "wearable weatherproof" to make it to school in event of monsoon or tidal flood and brought "extra" if my mother felt coolish, wettish, or warmish. When I had my first apartment, if there was lightning on the Eastern seaboard, I was warned to unplug everything with a cord, and store enough bottled water, canned food, and flashlights to rejuvenate the Dead Sea, feed a small African nation, and light up the entire city of Pittsburgh. When Amy Borkowsky's mother heard that a foot of snow was expected in "outlying" areas of New York City, she left a message warning her to wrap a scarf around her face ... because "that man who climbed Mount Everest lost his entire nose." No question. In case of, heaven forbid, nuclear attack, all citizens should run to shelters - or apartments of Jewish children. EIGHT: THROUGHOUT THE LAND THOU SHALT SEE THUGS If an adult child is "not in" on schedule, it's normal for many a Jewish parent to assume: "she's tied up"- literally. More than eight minutes late, and the alert goes up to "lying somewhere dead on the streets." Officially considered to have "gone missing," Nancy Grace must be notified. You call:"My daughter Sheila's gone missing!" Nancy Grace:"Tell us, Mrs. Goldfarb, when did you last see Sheila?" You: "This morning! I made her pancakes and milk, 2%- then she left! Nancy Grace: "On her own! Ya' hear that, viewers! A little girl who drinks her milk and suddenly she's gone missin'. I don't think so." You:"Not so little. She's 5'9" in stocking feet. With her Manolo Blahniks, 5'11. Nancy Grace:"Wait. Just how old is little Sheila?" You: "34." When I got my first apartment, my father installed so many locks Houdini would've had to call the fire department to get in. Amy Borkowsky's mother left messages warning her not to wear her red bathrobe when she took out the garbage because her friend's grandson said that red is a "gang color." "Don't wear your red bathrobe outside because red is a 'gang color.'" But my friend Adele's mom takes the prize for paranoia. When she heard on the news there was a demonstration scheduled at a Manhattan embassy, she called her married daughter in New Jersey. "Mamala, when you go to the store in Paramus, don't go near Manhattan." Just in case ... NINE: IT HAPPENED TO THEM, THEREFORE IT (COULD, MIGHT, WILL) HAPPEN TO THOU You've no doubt noticed in the preceding two "commandments" that there's one primo "Jewish Law of Probability:" If it happened to anyone, anywhere, anytime, better to figure, 99.9% -- you could be next. " After all, if it happened to Uncle Myron's mishpocha's neighbor's son's barber -it could happen to you!. My late mother heard a report on famine in Africa on the same newscast that mentioned a tsunami brewing near Sri Lanka. At 10 pm, she arrived at my apartment followed by three men from the World Wrestling Federation, schlepping the entire frozen food aisle of "Costco." Just in case. But my late father had her beat. When Patty Hearst and the Symbionese Liberation Army, were photographed robbing a San Francisco bank, I received the following call: "Your mother and I noticed Patty had on a Pea coat - like yours - and we read she's 5'3" - also like you. Promise us, darling! Until she's captured ... stay away from banks. TEN: ASSUME THE WORST! NEVER BE CALM WHEN THOU CAN CATASTROPHIZE As we've seen, many a Jewish parent may tend toward slight negative exaggeration and over-reaction. A bissel "worry," then, is really a big tsimmis! For example: *What if: a toddler isn't running by 12 months? He should be checked for paralysis - just in case. *What if: your son isn't hungry? He might become a feature, "Boys and Bulimia," on Discovery Health. *What if: Your daughter isn't home at midnight? Assume she's in a ditch with broken teeth and a ruined rhinoplasty. The "What if" factor was coined by my friend Harry Lechter. "What if ... " is a concept his wife lives by. Newton's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, is replaced by the "Nu ... What If Law: For every action there is an unequal, unjust, and unexpected reaction. I leave you with the master, Neil Simon. In his Brighton Beach Memoirs, Mama sends her son out for a quarter pound of butter twice a day. When he ask why not a half pound once a day, her answer? "Suppose the house burned down this afternoon? Why do I need an extra quarter pound of butter?" Nu?? True, just in case, to everybody else may be a little meshugge. But for us Jews, "just in case" has been "the case" - far too often. Indeed, those three little words may be one reason we Jews are still around -- to worry - and to laugh. Marnie Winston-Macauley is the author of Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother" and the award-winning "A Little Joy, A Little Oy" 2008 calendar. Her 2009 calendar can be pre-ordered on Amazon.