Following the announcement of the partial nationalization of the nation's banks and the week that marked an 18% drop in the stock market, and ahead of the meeting of the IMF and World Bank, Barack Obama issued a statement in which he removed himself from the race for the Presidency of the United States, ceding the race to John McCain and Sarah Palin.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your years of supporting my candidacy. It is with much sadness and regret that I inform you that I am no longer a candidate for President of the United States. I have consulted my advisors as well as Michele, and all are in agreement with me that the situation is hopeless. The country is crashing economically, and I am taking what little money I and my wife have left after being devastated this week's economic collapse and are buying a small apartment in Monte Carlo, where we can live in peace and where Malia and Sasha can receive a quality education without the necessity of having to wear bulletproof vests as the result of Sarah Palin's rabble-rousing and the long history of political and racial violence - yes, assassinations - in the United States.
Your intrepid reporter asked Mr. Obama why he would abandon the country that he loves so much.
Thank you for your question, Randy. I'll tell you this much: when I first launched my campaign, I felt that this country actually had a future that I could contribute to. Now, the chickens have indeed come home to roost. As it stands now, the America that I was born into no longer exists. I have come to realize over the course of the past few days that if elected, I will be nothing more than a puppet of the person who really runs this country, namely Prime Minister Gordon Brown of Great Britain, whose policies with respect to the economy of Great Britain will need to be implemented immediately here in the United States if there is any hope left at all of avoiding tent cities in Central Park, Lincoln Park and Griffith Park. In that regard, I am not hopeful at all, and when I announced my candidacy, I took a personal oath to quit the race if I ever lost hope. I have and I do. I will not be the hypocrite I so despise in others.
This is a shell of a country, a grouping of meaningless political lines that is without substance or purpose other than fingerpointing and the making of noise on television that serves no purpose other than to drive ratings, and therefore money, into the pockets of television executives, their companies and stockholders. Soon, ratings will no longer be enough, as people will be without enough money to buy even a bar of Ivory soap, not to mention Viagra. I cannot participate in this charade any longer. I had a deep, meaningful conversation with myself last night and decided that my message of hope, change and possibility is too little, too late. So, again, Randy, it is with profound regret that I have to withdraw from the campaign, effective immediately.
I wish to thank my thousands upon thousands of supporters as well as the over two million donors to my campaign. We will maintain a skeleton staff from this day forward in order to pay off the remaining campaign debt and to process credit card refunds to every donor, assuming of course that the banking system exists after Sunday night. See you at the craps table.
Au revoir, mes amies. Laissez les bontemps rouler!