BREAKING NEWS - JOHN MCCAIN GOES FOR THE PITY VOTE

Detroit -
September 17, 2008
by Randy Shiner, spot reporter

John McCain has apparently gone completely maverick and has told his campaign manager Rick Davis that he has decided to abandon all of the campaign's themes in favor of a fulsome display of his own detachment from reality and fundamental misunderstanding of what problems this country's problems really are and what can be done to solve them.

"Today, I have decided to show the American people exactly how utterly out of touch I am with the daily lives of you fundamentals. I promise that I will, for the rest of the campaign, make every attempt to display exactly why I am utterly unqualified to be President of the United States of America. I have too much love for a country on whose behalf I spent 5 1/2 years in vicious and cruel POW camps during the Vietnam war to spend another minute trying to convince the American public, for whom I have the utmost admiration, to pretend for another second that I am really looking forward to being President of this country. This is not work for a 72 year old."

Later, a McCain campaign spokeswoman who declined to give her name added the following:

"Further to my earlier comments of this afternoon, I will likewise admit the wealth of advice I have received to ask Sarah Palin to stay in Alaska for the remainder of the 2008 Presidential campaign. Had I known that Mrs. Palin required a tanning bed in her office to avoid SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and depression, I never would have asked her to join me as my running mate."

This reporter was called to the McCain's hotel for a hastily arranged news briefing in which Mr. McCain again personally addressed the reporters present in the lobby:

I heard that Mrs. Palin actually DID hesitate in taking the VP slot I offered her in one of my more petulant moments. I was listening to Sean Hannity today and heard her say it. She said something quite different to Charlie Gibson. I like Charlie Gibson because he gave Sen. Obama the what-for at his debate with that magnificent woman named Hillary Clinton.

And it is in that connection that I hereby announce that I am offering the Senator from New York by way of Arkansas the Republican Nomination for Vice President of the United States. It's clear that she will not blink. Why, look at what she did to Sen. Obama! I thank Mrs. Palin for her service."

When pressed for comment, Carly Fiorina, in an unbiased opinion obtained especially for this publication said: "I am SO upset at John for not picking ME for VP. Just because I told the world that neither he nor Mrs. Palin could run Hewlett-Packard, everybody's so mad at ME. That was the truth; what did he want me to say? Heck, I got fired for doing a poor job there, and I could do a passable job at pretending that I could run HP! The way that Mr. McCain and Mrs. Palin have handled the issue of the economy while it melts before our eyes like the Wicked Witch of the West is a joke. Not even I could fix this economy and keep my job. Please take Mrs. Palin and send her back to Alaska. She isn't qualified to run the HP Cafeteria."

Shortly after this news conference, Mrs. Fiorina was fired from the John McCain campaign.