September 9, 2008
JUNEAU, Alaska — The New York Times reported today that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is a monotheist. This report was confirmed by three anonymous sources who wished to remain nameless.
The Democratic National Committee put out a scathing response: “The fact that Sarah Palin is a monotheist is one further example that she is unqualified to serve as president of the United States. You might be able to be a monotheist in small-town Alaska, but monotheists won’t be able survive in the rough-and-tumble world of Washington, D.C., where people need more than one God.”
An Obama campaign spokesman declined to respond on the record, but said this on background: “This is a big winner for us. She will be seen as a right-wing bigot who hates people who believe in more than one higher being.”
The Daily Kos first investigated rumors that Palin might be a monotheist. They are also investigating rumors that Palin might be a monogamist and reports that in high school she flirted with thespianism.
High Druid Priest Shelly Moon said this about Palin’s religious beliefs: “Monotheism has been largely discredited as so ‘last millennium.’ In this day and age, people need more than one God just to make it through the day. That is why being a Druid is so cool. You have so many more options.”
Roman God activist Saturn put it this way; “Monotheism put me out of business almost 2,000 years ago. We aren’t going to let that happen again. This is not just about religious belief. It is about jobs.”
Democratic activist and feminist author Gloria Steinem issued a statement condemning both Palin’s monotheism and her monogamous tendencies. “Women need to be empowered, and monogamy just doesn’t cut it. For women to be truly free, they need to act like the typical man. Do you think the typical man is monogamous? Ha! It makes me laugh. Palin is a tool for the right wing, and she is conspiring to keep women down. I hate her.”
Reports that Palin may have joined a thespian club while in high school have the press corps in a twitter.
“If we can get her on tape singing or dancing or acting in a play, we can finally discredit her in the eyes of the American people,” confided Brian Ross of ABC News. “We have already had one actor president, and while he may have been the most popular president of the last century, we don’t need another one.”