Kissinger: welcome to New York, Mrs. Palin.
Palin: Why, it's wonderful to be in New York, Mr. Kissinger. And please, let's dispense with the formalities, so please, just call me Sarah. Everybody does.
Kissinger: You can call me Henry, though I really prefer "schatzy". My mother, may she rest in peace, used to call me.
Palin: That is so GREAT. I love motherhood. Well, schatzy, tell me a little about the world, will you? I've been in Alaska my whole life, and being in New York really feels like another place, another country, by golly. All the big buildings! And the strange faces of all colors! Where do you buy mooseburgers here?
Kissinger: We can send out. Wang! Take an order!
Wang: Yes, Mr. Kissinger....
Kissinger: send down to Rosenbloom's for mooseburgers and Cokes, will you?
Wang: Yes, sir.
Palin: Thank you so much! It's been hours since I last had moose meat.
Kissinger: While we're waiting on Wang, let's talk about foreign policy and foreigners, OK? That is why you're here according to the memorandum I got from my staff.
Palin: Yes, schatzy, I need help, and I need it now. Usually I rely on Todd for advice, but he's only been to the North Slope where the view of Russia is real clear, though the Russians have tended to stay on their side of the border on account of because of the Alaska Independence Party militia that Todd started up there. We showed them Russkis a thinger two!
Kissinger: Let me try to see if I can help you.
Palin: Thanks; all those pesky reporters want to ask me questions, and between you and me, schatzy, I am clueless on foreign affairs.
Kissinger: No worries, Sarah. When I was six, I was as clueless as you, but I learned quickly to take clues when I was 15 and my parents got out of Bavaria and moved here to New York. Hitler was a maniac.
Palin: Yes, I've heard that. John tells me that the Iranian President is also a maniac.
Kissinger: That little pisherkeh?! No, he can't hold a candle to Hitler.
Palin: But what to do about all the threats he makes against Israel?
Kissinger: Ach, that's nothingk! Muslims have been threatening to destroy Israel for the last 60 years. This is nothing new. We have a saying on Passover - "mah nishtana, haleilah hazeh" - why should this night be different than every other night?" Arabs don't like Jews and don't like Christians much, either, but the Jews figure very prominently in their teachings. They think we are pigs and apes. And want to wipe us all out, but if they do, they'll have no-one left to hate, so they have to keep us around, if only to vent their hatred at. To kill us all would deprive the Islamists of their raison d'etre.
Kissinger: Which part didn't you understand?
Palin: You lost me after "Muslims". What's a Muslim?
Kissinger: Veronique, where is Wang with the mooseburgers?
Veronique: Wang just called from the firm's mobile phone. He says that they are backed up around the block; he's had to stand on line. There's been a rush on moose.
Kissinger: Let me know the instant Wang gets back.
Veronique: Yes, sir.
Palin: You know, if we were in Alaska, we wouldn't have to wait on line for mooseburgers. I could go into my kitchen and just whip up a nice meal of mooseburgers, Alaska Freedom Fries and a Coke with Jack Daniels in about 5 minutes. I love cookin' and drinkin' and fixin'! By the way, do you mind if I breast feed little Trig here? I let our wet-nurse, Sgatoot, take off for a few weeks to go on a seal hunt.
Kissinger: Of course not! Do you need a blanket or anything?
Palin: Oh no, thank you so much, schatzy. I don't want to overheat Trig. I'll just unbutton this....(inaudible...) There ya go, little fella! That's right, go ahead...that's nice.....(sucking sounds).
Kissinger: He's a hungry little guy!
Palin: That's Alaska for ya!
Kissinger: I have to tell you that I have a lunch with the Council on Foreign Relations in a little bit, so let's get back to getting you up to speed on foreign relations.
Palin: OK, fine, yeah. Great! I am SO honored to be here! Can I have an autograph?
Kissinger: Now, I think that Iran is a big danger in the world today, but it's important to keep in mind that there is a big opposition group in Iran today that we in the West have to keep as our friends, so there is no use in bombing Iran. We would just make enemies out of friends. It seems to me that the best thing that you and John can do is to do what I would do: go and talk to their President and see what comes of that, just like I did with Mao Tse-tung in 1971. After my visit, Richard Nixon went to China and opened it up just a little bit and look what we accomplished! China now owns the US!
Palin: What was that man's name again. I can't write that fast.
Kissinger: Mao. Mao Tse-tung.
Palin: That is SO funny! Because after I shoot a moose, that is exactly the sound they make as they die: Mao. Mao Tse-tung.
Kissinger: Now I've heard you talk about sending US troops into Georgia to fight the Russians.
Palin: Well, I think we can give up a lot for peace, but Atlanta is just too much!
Kissinger: No, no, no! I am talking about Georgia - the country on the Southern Border of Russia that the US was equipping militarily. It's the place where Josef Stalin was born. You know about him, right?
Palin: Oh geez... I feel so misled! Why didn't somebody tell me that stuff before?! I wouldn't have gotten nearly so worked up about it in that case. Who cares about some people on the border of Russia? I'm definitely not interested in having any Americans die for that country. (sucking sounds)
Kissinger: You have to understand that it's been the position of the Bush administration to spread democracy throughout the world, even in places where they don't want it.
Palin: Why? Why don't we just be friends with everyone and let them be?
Kissinger: That's an excellent point. But look at it this way: if we just let everyone alone and let the Russian Bear march all over Eastern Europe, that would not be very good for our interests in the region.
Palin: Can you see Georgia from AlASka?
Palin: Now schatzy, tell me why it is that you think the Russians are so aggressive these days?
Kissinger: The Russians are barbarians. That was one thing that Hitler had right.
Palin: Schatzy, I'm shocked to hear you agreeing with Hitler!
Kissinger: Well, think about it (sucking sound). Bush has spent the last eight years putting missile defense agreements in place with nearly every former Soviet-bloc countries like Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, Kyrgistan, Poland, Georgia and Ukraine, so how did we expect them to react when they saw that we here in the US got tied up in Iraq? Those barbarians! Taking such advantage!
Palin: But what if the Russians set up missile defense pacts with our neighbors like Canada and Mexico? We wouldn't very much like that, eh? I don't blame them, really.
Kissinger: be very quiet about that, Sarah. You make sense, but it's not popular politically speaking utter common sense.
Palin: Well, ya know that we in AlASKA are very commonsense-type folks, schatzy.
Kissinger: Yes, they warned me about that in the pre-meeting briefing I had this morning.
Palin: You mean you had to have a meeting about a meeting?
Kissinger: Yes, that's what we do. Have meetings. Get used to it.
Palin: Okay then. Wow. This is complicated stuff. Do they have sports channels like ESPN in Russia? I need to know if they keep up on baseball over there. (sighs heard...inaudible groan)
I LOVE sports, schatzy. Just that kinda gal, I guess.
Kissinger: (sucking sounds) My, Trig is hungrier than I thought! Can he have anything other than breast milk?
Palin: Sure! Do you have bear meat?
Kissinger: No, they outlawed that here in the city some time ago when Mikhail Gorbachev came to visit during the period of Glasnost.
Palin: Gezundheit! I thought you sneezed. You said Glasnost.
Kissinger: Glasnost was the period that predated the fall of the Soviet Union. This word appeared in 1985-1990 as a part of the program of reforms called perestroika, whose goals included combating corruption and the abuse of privilege by the political classes. In the broadest sense, it aimed to liberalize freedom of the press gradually, and to allow for freedom of dissent. The policy met resistance during the 1986 Chernobyl disaster, when authorities hid the true extent of the nuclear accident for several days.
Through his policy of glasnost, Gorbachev pressured conservatives within the Communist Party who opposed perestroika, his programs of economic restructuring. By cultivating a spirit of intellectual and cultural openness which encouraged public debate and participation, Gorbachev hoped to increase the Soviet people's support for and participation in perestroika.Palin: Perestroika? Schatzy, this foreign policy stuff isn't as fun as just giving it all up to Jesus Christ. Praise the LORD! Hallelujah! May it be in Jesus' name! Praise the LORD!
Kissinger: Just remember the barbarian thing, Sarah. That's all you need to know. That and keep away from Putin.
Palin: No, I don't go near Putin. I prefer men and Todd in particular.
Kissinger: That's a good thing, because he would give you a shtupping like you never would forget.
Palin: Let me think about that a second. You mean, I could get, how do you say it, "shtupped" by Putin? That actually sounds like it might be nice, I mean, just for a little change in the rotation, if you know what I mean.
Kissinger: It's OK, dear. Veronique! Where is Wang?!
Veronique: They ran out of moosemeat at Rosenbloom's deli downstairs.
Kissinger: I TOLD that damn Rosenbloom to stock up on moosemeat in anticipation of Mrs. Palin's visit! Didn't he get the memo from our food futures analyst? What about it, Veronique? (sniffling sounds, then crying)
Palin: Hold on a sec, schatzy. I'll call Todd. He's over on 57th and Lexington and I think he brought his shotgun with him to New York. He'll just go find one and....heck, we can dress it and butcher it and we'll have moosemeat in no time. It's the least I can do for you, schatzy. (sucking sound)
Kissinger: Sarah, I really appreciate your coming here to meet with me, but I really need to get to my next meeting with Condi Rice.
Palin: Well, just a sec, willya? I came 4000 miles from Wasilla, Alaska, so just a minute more, OK?
Kissinger: OK. What else?
Palin: Tell me about the Jews.
Kissinger: That's not one of my favorite topics. You know, I am Jewish, right?
Palin: That's what I've heard. Where are you hiding your horns?
Kissinger: We don't have horns.
Palin: Well, what about drinking the blood of children?
Kissinger: That is overplayed. The only blood that we drink is that of our own children. It's in the Jewish Mother's handbook which is given out to every identifying Jewish mother immediately before giving birth so that they can properly and fully psychologically damage their infants starting from day one.
Palin: I'm ready from day one! Reform Washington! I don't blink!
Kissinger: Yes... (groan) Thank you so much, Sarah, for coming.
Palin: Give me a minute to detach Trig. (sounds, then crying)
Kissinger: He's not very happy now.
Palin: I have that effect on him; the little cub loves mother's milk!
Kissinger: Yes, I like Cubs, too. Better than the Mets' chances.
Kissinger: Nevermind. Enjoy your visit with Hamid Karzai.
Palin: Are you sure you're not sick? You're sneezing an awful lot, schatzy.
Kissinger: Veronique, show Mrs. Palin the door. Thanks for coming, Sarah. Good luck here in the big city. Don't miss the corned beef at Katz's Deli on Houston Street. Best Corned Beef in the country. Its from cows, and it's not kosher, but you'll like it anyway, I think. They might have a job there for you as a meat cutter after this is all over.
Palin: Ya think they'd have me?! I just love cutting meat!
Kissinger: Yes, and I'm sure that Todd will get along famously at Goldman, Sachs. Mazel Tov on everything - auf weidersehen!
Palin: What's "Kosher"?
(inaudible sounds - door opens, then closes)
Kissinger: Ach du lieber! Mein Gott! Veronique! Get me my Valium and a bottle of my best Cognac. It's that time. (end)