John McCain: Drop Trou During The Debate!

Mr. McCain has wisely deigned to grace the viewing public with his presence. We need to hear from the putative next President of the United States. But given the events of the last week, I thought that Mr. McCain should signal that his campaign is back up and running, officially, by pulling down his pants tonight to reveal the boxers he has on, simultaneous to answering Jim Lehrer's question about what to do about Russia. It will be the most important part of the debate.

This would be a perfectly fitting end to a week filled with madcap wackiness and misadventure. Witness the way in which Mrs. Palin was literally shielded in a virtual "Get Smart" cone of silence from the media, including FOX "News" and the New York Times, which was branded "not a journalistic organization" by the McCain campaign, along with MSNBC, NBC and a whole host of others. This stunt, repeated in only a few countries in the world, like North Korea, was followed in apparently due course by the "suspension" of his entire campaign, which was in actuality a pretty smart move: if I was running that campaign, I would want Mr. McCain and Mrs. Palin to hole up in southern West Virginia, eating only steamed gopher and moonshine until November 5. The suspension was based upon Mr. McCain's desire to put "country first" and then going to Washington, only to learn that he (and Mr. Obama) were only in the way.

But the kicker was when Mr. McCain decided to bail out of the debate which is scheduled for one hour from now. He pledged that he wouldn't come back to the campaign and would not debate until the Congress put the finishing touches on the "bailout" plan that has been floating about for the past few days. Sure enough, though, neither the Presidential Debate Commission which manages the scheduling of the debates nor the Obama campaign, was having any of this monkeyshines.

I know that John McCain is a maverick. He will never give up. Tonight, as Jim Lehrer of PBS asks him a question on what he'd do in retaliation on Russia for the shenanigans they are presently undertaking in Venezuela, I predict that Mr. McCain can only do the one thing that he hasn't tried yet: dropping trou right then and there in front of the estimated 100 million people who are expected to watch, live. Mr. McCain will tell the world just exactly what he'd tell Vladimir (the Impaler) Putin: "eat my shorts". It's time for some comic relief, don't you think? This will provide it to all of us.

As for me, I plan on going to shul and putting the debate on the DVR. Or maybe I'll watch the Cubs play the Brewers. That contest means something. The Presidential campaign is a waste of time and it speaks loudly to the notion that we ought to have a parliamentary system like they do in Britain. I don't care what McCain has to say. He is irrelevant. I can't stand even watching him any more. He's just a pitiful sight, to match that of his running mate. Pitiful. Except I don't feel sorry for either of them. If he wanted to put "country first", he would go on national television and admit defeat and let Barack Obama assume the presidency by acclimation so that the country can have some immediate leadership. McCain has to know he's not qualified to do the job.

Mrs. Robinson

And here’s to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
(Wo wo wo)
God bless you, please Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey hey hey – hey hey hey)

We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files
We’d like to help you learn to help yourself
Look around you, all you see are sympathetic eyes
Stroll around the grounds until you feel at home

And here’ to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
(Wo wo wo)
God bless you, please Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey hey hey – hey hey hey)

Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
Put it in your pantry with your cupcakes
It’s a little secret, just the Robinson’s affair
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the kids

Coo coo ca choo, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know
(Wo wo wo)
God bless you, please Mrs. Robinson
Heaven holds a place for those who pray
(Hey hey hey – hey hey hey)

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
Going to the candidates’ debate
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you’ve got to choose
Ev’ry way you look at it you lose

Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you
(Woo woo woo)
What’s that you say, Mrs. Robinson
‘Joltin Joe’ has left and gone away?
(Hey hey hey – hey hey hey)

It's a bleak time in American economic and political history. Let's just hope McCain's boxers have little ants all over them. Or hearts. Yes, I like hearts.

Randy Shiner